When Alex Fernandez presented on restorative practices at my son Diego’s school, I knew immediately I needed to have him on the podcast. As an educator with 17 years in Chicago Public Schools and a first-generation Latino father, Alex brings a perspective that deeply resonates with so many of us trying to parent differently than we were raised.
Our Father’s Day conversation was one of those interviews that left me reflecting long after we stopped recording. Alex’s honesty about his own journey – from defensiveness learned in childhood to intentional communication with his wife and kids – reminded me why this work of breaking generational cycles is so important and so challenging.
The Foundation: It Starts with Us
One of the most powerful things Alex shared was something that made me want to write it down immediately: “What are you modeling?” He emphasized that if there’s one thing we remember from any conversation about parenting, it should be this question. Our kids are always watching and listening, even when we think they’re not.
This hit me hard because I’ve experienced it firsthand. I always said I had a perfect childhood, and in many ways I did. But when Diego started screaming, I realized how triggered I became – and it was because my mom used to yell a lot. Not in a disciplinary way, but just as her natural volume. That overstimulation from childhood was showing up in my parenting, and I didn’t even realize it until Alex and I talked about how we pass our anxieties to our kids without knowing it.
The Reality of Bicultural Parenting
What I loved most about our conversation was Alex’s honesty about navigating two worlds. As first-generation kids who became parents, we’re essentially bicultural – taking the best from our Latino heritage while also embracing more intentional parenting approaches. It’s exhausting work, but it’s so necessary.
Alex shared how he and his wife had to find their balance. He worried about being too soft because he wanted to practice restorative approaches, while she came from a more structured background as a high school counselor. It took them until their daughter Violeta was about four to find their middle ground – being stern but fair, essentially treating their kids like humans without treating them as equals.
This resonated so deeply with me because Alex and I are doing the same work – constantly reflecting on what to keep from our upbringing and what to change, all while dealing with potential criticism from family members who might see our approaches as “too permissive.”
Separating Emotion from Behavior
One of the most practical insights Alex shared was the importance of separating emotions from behavior. As he put it, “It’s okay to be sad and you can even be mad, and if you want to stomp, stomp, but we’re not going to yell because that’s just disrespectful.”
This is something I struggle with daily. When Diego has a meltdown, my instinct is often to say “stop crying” or “calm down,” but Alex reminded me that we need to validate the emotion while still addressing the behavior. We’re teaching our kids to push emotions away when what we should be doing is walking them through how to handle those feelings.
The Work Never Stops
What struck me most about Alex was his vulnerability in admitting that even with all his training and experience, some days he still goes “old school” with his kids. Some days he’s the respectful parent using restorative practices, and other days he’s telling his daughter to sit in the chair and not move. The difference is what happens afterward – the repair, the apology, the modeling of how to handle our mistakes.
Alex shared how he apologizes to his four-year-old when he loses his temper, something that would have been unthinkable in many of our households growing up. But this is how we break cycles – by showing our kids that adults make mistakes too, and this is how we fix them.
Practical Steps for Restorative Conversations
Alex gave us a real checklist we can use when our kids are dysregulated:
- Check your mental state first – Are you ready to potentially deal with 30-40 minutes of big emotions? If not, it’s okay to wait.
- Identify the root cause – Alex recommended googling “mistaken goal chart” for a helpful guide. Is your child seeking attention? Are they tired, scared, overwhelmed?
- Focus on resolution and repair – After working through the emotion and addressing the behavior, praise them for what they did well in handling the situation.
The Reality Check We All Need
Perhaps the most powerful thing Alex said was about preparing our kids for two different worlds: “I teach and raise my kids for the world that I want them to be in, but when they leave the house, I also teach them to live in the world we’re actually in.”
This captures the complexity of intentional parenting perfectly. We want to raise kind, emotionally intelligent kids who can communicate their feelings, but we also need to prepare them for a world that might not always be ready for that level of emotional awareness.
Love is the Foundation
As our conversation wrapped up, Alex brought it back to what matters most: “As long as you love your kid and remind them that you love them, I think that’s it.” He shared how his mom wasn’t perfect – she had her old-school moments – but she loved him, and she’s still actively involved in helping with his kids today.
This gave me such comfort because it reminds us that perfection isn’t the goal. Growth is. Love is. Intention is.
My Biggest Takeaway
Talking with Alex reinforced something I’m always telling my community: this work of intentional parenting is some of the hardest work we’ll ever do because it requires us to heal ourselves while simultaneously raising tiny humans. But it’s also some of the most important work because we’re literally reshaping our family’s future.
Alex’s journey from a defensive young man who learned that arguments were about hurting the other person to a father who models repair and accountability with his four-year-old daughter shows us that change is possible. It takes therapy, reflection, practice, and a lot of grace for ourselves on the days we don’t get it right.
But as Alex reminded me, we’re not trying to be perfect parents. We’re trying to be intentional ones. And that makes all the difference.
Show Notes
In this Father’s Day episode, I had the privilege of sitting down with Alex Fernandez, an educator and father who’s been working in Chicago Public Schools for 17 years. As someone who works at my son Diego’s school and presented on restorative practices, Alex brought such valuable insights about intentional parenting from the Latino dad perspective. Our conversation really resonated with me, especially as we discussed the challenge of breaking generational cycles while honoring our cultural roots.
What You’ll Hear:
- Why “what are you modeling?” is the most important question we can ask ourselves as parents
- How to validate our children’s feelings while still maintaining boundaries
- Balancing traditional Latino values with intentional parenting approaches and handling family criticism
- Why therapy and personal growth are essential, plus how modeling accountability changes everything
Resources Mentioned:
About Our Guest
Alex Fernandez, MEd | Educator and School Administrator
Alex Fernandez is a dedicated educator and administrator who has spent 17 years working in Chicago Public Schools, currently serving as a dean for the past nine years. Born to Cuban and Mexican immigrant parents, Alex brings a first-generation perspective to his work with students and families. He previously taught social science in Little Village, a predominantly Latino neighborhood in Chicago, and holds a master’s degree in educational leadership from Northeastern University.
As a father of four-year-old Violeta and one-and-a-half-year-old Felix, Alex combines his professional expertise in restorative practices with his personal journey of intentional parenting. He specializes in social-emotional learning and getting to the root causes of behavior, and is passionate about breaking generational cycles while honoring cultural heritage. Alex openly shares his experiences with therapy and personal growth as essential components of effective parenting and educational leadership.
